What I Learnt From Falling Apart
Hello beautiful Creative Spirit,
It’s been a long while between drinks with our trip to Darwin, an intense couple of weeks working on my *NEW* online course the Sparkle Exchange (more on that later), the massive lead-up to my very first Soul Retreat…and then my MELT DOWN.
The perfectionist in me was so resistant to sharing this story with you because my ego often says ‘Come on, you are the role model! You’re the one with the answers… You’re not meant to be the one falling apart! You have to have it together, 24-7!’
What a wake-up call I had.
I had put such high expectations on myself that I was not allowing myself to behuman and make those inevitable mistakes that come with life… which ironically, was a mistake itself!
Do you do this too?!!
So as humans do, I came crashing down to Earth like a tonne of bricks, with the grand finale culminating just a few short hours before my very first Soul Retreat, which 20 of you gorgeous people were booked into…
Here’s how it happened.
On my trip to Darwin, I was a woman on a mission.
I gained a boost of inspiration from the Divine and I wrote and wrote and wrote the Sparkle Exchange (a 30-day online program bursting with spiritual rituals to help you align to your soul, discover your purpose and learn how to use your guidance in a magical way to birth your dreams and true potential in the world).
I had done the maths, and knew I could get the Sparkle Exchange videos, documents, meditations and everything else edited and finalised, in time to launch it to my beautiful community in August, just in time before my baby arrived in September. Even though I felt that tightening in my chest and heard my soul whispering ‘You’re taking on too much’ I continued on.
Amongst this, Creative Spirit’s momentum was building. More and more people were joining my tribe and I was helping so many more people which was brilliant and exciting and FULFILLING.
A bigger tribe meant a bigger load to carry though, not to mention a longer list of things to do and I found myself really trying to squeeze it all in, in and around my role as a pregnant Mum. A telling tale, the house became neglected; the fridge was empty, the floors were dirty, the washing baskets were full and in general, the house was a mess. ‘I’m prioritising,’ I would rebut when my intuition would lightly voice ‘Your home needs some TLC’. Prioritising: that I was. Prioritising WORK over me and my family’s sanctuary.
I was running out of time to finish the Sparkle Exchange in time and I realised I had to let go of my plan of launching in August. Immediately, I moved my much-needed attention onto the popular Soul Retreat, that was fast-approaching.
Again, this was so exciting and a dream come true for me. Running retreats had always been the pinnacle of my dream career, envisioned to be far in the distant future. They were going to be holistic, earthy and meaningful spiritual experiences. Just seeing myself in my mind’s eye holding this sacred space for like-minded souls was electrifying.
With lots of inner work, I had manifested it to form and brought it rapidly into my present reality. I was holding my first Retreat, better yet ‘Soul Retreat’. This was to be a truly incredible journey for people to experience soul alignment, their soul purpose and begin to live more of their dreams.
I felt alive.
With the overwhelming response, interest and bookings to my Soul Retreat though, came paperwork, admin., phone calls and emails coming out of my ears! I was snowed under and COMPLETELY out of alignment.
I was stressed and I felt like a FRAUD.
Here I was, having been super busy creating a program to help people come into alignment with their soul and I was so far OUT of alignment, it wasn’t funny.
The months leading up to the Soul Retreat had me flowing. My life was swinging from one incredible insight to the next, I was healing old wounds and I was manifesting like magic. I was confident and unstoppable, unflappable and completely in faith that the universe had my back. I was getting clear signs on what my next step was to take to follow my dreams. I was LIVING my dream.
Until my world, as I knew it, crumbled.
The unthinkable happened.
In the early hours of the day of my Soul Retreat, I felt an unmistakable wave of nausea overwhelm my body. That sense when your body just takes over and you have no other choice but to go on that horrible ride. Yes, it was gastro.
As I lay in bed, bucket by my side, my mind to-ed and fro-ed from blaming the universe to questioning my reality… ‘Why?’, ‘How could you?!’ A big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ I thought through mentally gritted teeth ‘HOW is this a blessing in disguise?!!!’ The night went on and my physical state worsened. It became clear I had no choice but to let go of the Retreat and cancel.
I felt like my world had turned upside down. One day, life was solid and I knew what was coming. The next? Well…
There were tears of frustration. ‘All my hard work for nothing!’ There was guilt. ‘What are they going to say?’ There were feelings of shock. ‘I can’t believe this is happening!’ There was self-criticism. ‘You created this!’ There was stress. ‘We can’t afford the refunds…’
Lying on the couch that day, partially hiding under the doona after a morning of tears, I felt a clearing.
It was time to be honest with myself and admit there was a lead-up to this fall out. It didn’t just come out of nowhere.
In recent weeks, I’d noticed things starting to go wrong in my life. I was beginning to overwork and not prioritize the things I love to do. I felt like I was losing money left, right and centre, stress was building and self-doubt was getting loud in my head.
I was receiving clear guidance to put my work down, that I was pushing too hard with an Energiser Toddler at 33 weeks pregnant but the ego kept me running on the mouse reel with ‘You don’t have time to stop’, ‘If you stop now, all of the work you’ve done will be a waste of time’, ‘You MUST. KEEP GOING.’
And… my computer, my trusty gateway to my work, broke down two days before the Retreat…. Sign? What sign?!
As I lay, riddled with nausea, when I cursed the universe for putting a pain-stakingly dramatic halt to my Soul Retreat the guidance filtered in and grew with immense power over the course of the day. ‘Let it go. Let it all go.’
‘You are trying to control everything. You have everything that you need in this moment. You don’t need to work so hard. It’s time for you to rest. You are pulling and pushing and you’ve lost touch with the beauty of living in the divine flow. Let it go.’
With that, I felt an unwavering sense of peace and stillness over my entire being. ‘It’s okay that I’m not holding the Retreat, it’s okay to be having a day of rest.’
Finally, I was allowing the delicate voice of my soul speak.
My energetic shift was instant.
For the first time in a long time I felt at ease to be ‘doing nothing’ at home. I openly gave the entire household duties to my husband Leigh and I had space to ponder. ‘I have time to do something for me’, I thought. I recalled what I like to do, for no purpose whatsoever but for the JOY of it. I got my sewing box out, laid out my vintage doilies and lace and began creating a dream catcher for our new baby.
A significant moment this was; allowing myself to be connected and in the divine presence of our growing baby, giving myself the gift of being creative and making space for something I wanted to do.
Hindsight shows me the holding on, the forcing myself to work when I needed a break and the pushing to MAKE things happen had steered me well off-centre, off my path. The ego had led me astray.
It was clear that the universe had to serve me up something good and proper in order to get my attention.
This may have happened to you too. When we ignore the signs, our lessons get bigger and bigger.
Where there is resistance and angst, it’s time to let go.
Yes, we have jobs. Yes, we have responsibilities. Yes, we have things that need to get done.
But how much?
How much of this really needs to be done, RIGHT NOW? Who’s setting these high stakes, pushing you and pushing you until you’re at your limit?
Is it your soul or your ego?
What energy are you creating when you follow the exhaustive list of to-do’s until you have no other choice but to fall off the bandwagon?
Check in. Who is speaking to you and are you willing to listen? Is it creating fear or is it aligned with love.
Begin to notice and set an intention to follow your SOUL. Only then do we live a life we love, and only then can we express our truth and birth our incredible gifts into this world.
So day by day, I’m delicately following my heart, raising my vibration, doing things that I love, making time and space to rest, releasing the guilt and stepping back into the divine flow. I’m taking Epsom Salt baths, meditating, spending time with Mother Earth, drawing, painting, taking naps and catching up on trashy TV. I’m surrendering to my calling, to rest when I need it and I’m open to see where this mysterious journey takes me.
Regarding the Soul Retreat… Many of you have asked when the next one will be held. Yes, it will be held in the future. But my soul isn’t ready to put a date on it. You’ll be the first to know, once I know. For now, Creative Spirit has had a huge overhaul which you can see HERE.
Do you resonate with my story? I’d love to hear from you. Hit reply and share YOUR story.
Would you like to connect with us on Facebook? Or even join our inspirational, spiritual-based Facebook group, Creative Spirit Circle? We’d love to have you.
Lots of love and smiles to you on this day and remember, do things you LOVE.
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